Title goes here|
Last night I had a dream where I was participating in some sort of adult-baptism ceremony at my old church. Partway through it occurred to me that I'm an atheist, and what the hell am I doing at church? (I have this sort of dream every couple months, although I've never been at the center of the ritual before.) Normally I leave as soon as I come to this realization, but I am one of the 3 people being re-baptized (or whatever it is), so I'm trying to figure out how to leave without causing too much of a fuss. But I realize I have to get out of there fast, because I could not in good conscience swear the vows they would ask me to swear, and that would be a hell of a lot more disruptive than me just getting up and walking out.
At this point in the ceremony, the officiant asks people to volunteer what their greatest fear is. People start chiming in, and I try to decide what mine is. My first thought is "Being wrong." I think that compared to most people, I really hate being wrong, so I try to have as much information as possible and think things through thoroughly before stating my opinion. But I'm willing to admit that I'm wrong (again, I think I'm better than most people about this) if I'm confronted with new information or a different interpretation that makes more sense. My second thought was "Hurting people." But that didn't fit either. It's certainly something that upsets me, and I try to avoid it if possible, but there are too many situations where I'm willing to hurt people, badly even, to be true to myself or another.
At this point I am awakened by my phone, thus freeing me from my dream-dilemmas. But in the few minutes before I fall back asleep, my fatigue-befuddled brain examines the last bit my dream over and over. "Not being true to myself" is another wrong answer that seems promising at first. Again, being true to myself is something very important to me, that I take great pride in, but there's no fear involved. One, while I might make minor compromises, especially in moments where I have to make a quick decision, I'm not at all concerned about having a major breach of integrity. Two, even if I were to fail myself and have a major breach in integrity, it wouldn't necessarily impact other people. My actions could certainly harm other people and/or demonstrate that I was wrong, but those would fall under the two previously-discarded categories. Then it came to me all in a rush. Each of these things was related, but not what was at the center.
My greatest fear is failing those who have put their trust in me.
Current Mood: somber
Current Music: VNV Nation - Saviour